12 Yellow STD Blankets
You saw it here first, being saved for that special someone:
Oscar the Grouch, Rico Suave, Sassy B, and Big Ben:
Que Sera Sera
In related news, I thought it would be fun to estimate the remaining
amounts of various foodstuffs “on the continent,” which is the way we put it
when we want to be extra dramatic. Such
as, “There’s only 20 gallons of ketchup left of the continent.”*
*This is an exaggeration, but there is an unspecified ketchup
shortage. I also discovered there is a
mayonnaise shortage when I had to make (ugheeewbarf) Hidden Valley Blue Cheese
Dressing, a flavor packet whose recipe indicates the addition buttermilk (or
dehydrated milk powder + water + lemon juice), mayo, and blue cheese
crumbles. (Incidentally, there is *not*
at all a shortage of blue cheese crumbles.)
We can’t be sure how the pantries of neighboring Russian, Chinese,
Argentine, and other bases are holding out, but since we far outnumber their
combined population, and I doubt they have much in the way of such things as bacon-flavored
MSG bullion, a.k.a. Bacon Base, let’s round the estimates to the contents of
our own coffers.
- Bacon Base: unlimited
- Vodka: NONE!!!! EMERGENCY!!!!
- Boca Burgers: hundreds of thousands; lay off, vegetarians—see, we
totally care about you
- All-Purpose Flour: virtually zero, because, gosh, it’s real hard to
remember the difference between something silly like different flours, so they
just pick a random one each week, like cake flour, and treat the bakers to a
professional challenge to make do
- Chicken Gyro Meat: approx. one million pounds, despite our
politically-motivated disappearing campaign
- “Extreme Supreme” premade guacamole in a bag: 80 pounds; dangerously
low considering our bi-weekly* burrito night
*that’s twice a week, folks
- Starkist Tuna: 50 pounds; currently rationed to once a week at the
deli bar as it is immediately consumed by weight lifters and the three women on
base that blow-dry their hair
- “Hand-Placed”* Molded Turkey Breast: any is too much
*So…the people in the factory risk their limbs to transfer the
mechanically separated meat into the hydraulic press, so it’s technically
hand-crafted deli meat, and we are bluffing that it merits inclusion at a
carving station?!?!
- Canned Stewed Prunes: statistically infinite; probably a good thing,
though, to help us digest all the rest
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